Monthly Archives: October 2006

writing

10/18/2006 – untitled – (c)

10/18/2006 – untitled – (c)

In the quantum mechanical world of people and relationships, we can never know both where someone is and where they are going. At least not at first. This ride is often the most telling of all.
Lights, like slow smooth cymbals, sizzle, splashing beams over your body. Punctuating your pale pure skin, breaking the black background in slow pulses of movement, as time ticks thickly in the slowing of seeing you for the first time.
There you were. Alone, among, apart, arrived in the height of your release. The best compliment I could ever pay you was seeing you in my minds eye in those split second flashes of light. You held my full attention, raptly, until you gracefully swung down off the platform of your throne and swept coolly by, out of sight among the crowds closing quickly between us.
It would be weeks before I saw you again. And at that, you had almost faded from thought among the many mundane musings of a mind not quite centered.
The hard part of observing both where you are and where you are going, is that it is inexorably tied to the people around you. You can almost always tell where you are, but it can be difficult to see where you will end up. And if you can see that final destination, you are doomed to frustration over where you actually are.
During our first tentative connections, much electricity sparked, over phone lines and air waves, from modem to modem, without much emotion. We were safe in an electronic world from having to face fears or self, as we each quizzed each other in search of a connection.
The final score showed many things in common, at least on paper.
Then we met face to face, we knew then where we were but there was no compass for where we would go.
Chinese take-out and a faded park bench came together with a continued conversation, as the deep mysteries of the dark muddy waters flowed in the background. The contrast of the contemplative ebb of water to my light mood struck me. Your energy kept me from following the brooding course of the river, a course that is natural to the path of my life. In that moment, I was completely there with you, present in every way. Happy to share the boxes of food under the moonlit sky.
We visited ghosts in familiar places, and searched for pasty cars with mice for drivers. We walked the long steel rails and pressed unique change under the weight of time in motion. You seemed lost in the amazement of me, and I couldn’t have cared less about the woman in your closet. I was intrigued, actually. You lived a life I had glimpsed, but did not understand.
That night we crossed a line. A casualty of not knowing where we were going, we swerved dangerously to a place that scared me, beyond my comfort zone, and out of control Want, need and fear battled inside me that night, and I was only able to reach peace after we parted ways.
We crossed that line farther a few days later and that I have not yet recovered from.
It was then that I saw a piece of the greater puzzle. When we first met, I followed the only path I knew. I allowed myself to flow with the moment, but was going down a road I had only been down eleven years before. I had wanted to be wanted, and I had needed to be needed. I had loved to be loved.
Yet none of that is where the rest of me has been going on the journey of my path. It was this small thing, this discrepancy in the ledger of my learning, that called me back to a bit of focus and clarity.
You see, I have no room in my life for things I am forced to do. That is the test, the litmus paper in the chemistry of my life.
I have no want for being wanted.
I feel no need for being needed.
I know no love for being loved.

The postscript to this is in flipping the coin, what lies on the other side. What of wants, needs, and love? My heart and soul are open wide to the world. Though there is no external force that can bring things out from them. Only a genuine, vulnerable, venerable joy in wanting to give, needing to share and loving to love.

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